“Excuse Me, Waiter, There’s a Rubberband In My Soup”

I hold no license to be a restaurant critic nor have I received any specialized training on the subject.  (that was my disclaimer…)  HOWEVER, I have been to more than one restaurant, and I think that that alone gives me some sort of entitlement to make an assessment of good vs bad, even if it is just my opinion.  SO here goes.

My girlfriends from work and I went to lunch Friday to a little mexican food place in Irving Tx called Juana Gallo Cocina Mexicana.  I uh, ok.  It was quite an experience.

The moment I stepped into the building,  I felt like I was immediately transported to Mexico.  The smell of cooked canine filled the air as the locals prepared vats of unidentifiable dishes — or “comidas” as they like to call it.  My friend ordered a drink called rice water.  It smelled a little off, but was rather tasty – with a hint of cinnamon.  When I asked the cook what was in it, he said something about “orina de raton”.  I don’t know what he meant, but we all had a sip of the yellow-ish nectar.  After visiting the vast condiment bar, I returned to my table with pico de gallo, only to be greeted by a puppet salesman (I shit you not).  We all smiled and said “WE DO NOT WANT TO BUY A PUPPET” – with increased volume – to compensate for the language barrier, of course.  It was just like Mexico.  We felt warm and fuzzy inside.  When I got my food, it looked interesting.  Like 2 big savory hot pockets.  When I poured the pico de gallo on my lunch, I was surprised to see a rubberband swimming in the bowl with the cilantro.  “This must be a Mexican good-luck thing.” I thought.  I was disappointed to find out that it was not a Mexican good-luck thing.  It was actually used to remove the cat’s gonads prior to putting them in my hot pocket – along with the unidentifiable bones.  Needless to say, I filled up on corn tortillas and butter.

And now, my rating of this little Mexican gem, found right in our own Irving backyard:

It was crap and made me want to vomit.  It could only have been worse if the puppet had gouged out my eyes and removed my tongue with pinking shears.

Wake Up! (Another Call Brought to You by Xanax and Mom)

Just got a call from my pill’d up mom:

Me:  Hello?

Mom: What.

Me: What do you mean “what”?

Mom: I don’t know.

Me: Hey, can you call me back on my desk phone?

Mom:  What did I call?

Me:  You called my cell phone.

Mom: Oh. Well….what’s your desk number? (Inevitably, she calls my co-worker, Rick, and he has to transfer her to me – and she greets me with “That nice man answered your phone again.!”)

Me:  Nevermind.  I’ll just call YOU back from my desk phone.  What’s your home phone number so I can write it down?

Mom:  718

Me: and?

Mom: And what?

Me:  718-what…

Mom: 718-2862

Me:  I don’t know your area code.  What’s your area code?

Mom:  Area code? 718

Me: No, mom.  Your area code!  It’s 956, isnt’ it?

Mom: No, it’s 972.

Me: Mom, that’s my area code.

Mom: How should I know?  You should know your own area code. 

Me: Nevermind.  I’ll get it from my cellphone when I hang up.  I’ll call you right back from my desk phone.

(called Mom back and had very few psycho-babble moments before ending the call)

5 minutes later, Mom called me on my desk phone number –

Me:  This is Kimber.

Mom: Which one do you want?

Me: What are you talking about?

Mom: Area code?

Me: Mom, I already found your area code — that’s how I called you back earlier.

Mom:  Zip code, then — 7…

Me: Mom! – It was the area code and I already found it. Remember I already called you back?

Mom: Oh.  Ok.  Well, call me back if you need anything else.

Note:  I hope she’s on good meds.  I wish she would give me some…

 

If I Was a Guy, This Would Piss Me Off…

Watching late, LATE night TV with my nephew the other night, I stumbled across an infomercial for a slim & lift undergarment. Very off-putting. How hard is it REALLY to do 15 to 20 ab crunches, lay off the soda, & put the fork down sooner – every other day? Seriously! What a disappointment it would be to a guy who thinks he’s about to “behold” a firm, fit, toned naked body but instead, when she comes out of (insert whatever clothes changing location makes sense here) she has a small child’s worth of extra flesh around her middle & her rear that she had compressed & hidden inside a mega thick spandex girdle/bodyvice under her dress all evening. Friends, this is no better than that water bra that came out about ten years ago.

They should call this a LIEotard.

Just my opinion…

Xanax and Mom, An Auto-Signature Fail

My  pill’d up mom got a new cell phone yesterday.  (OH gawd no…)

Between the hours of 2-630am I received 17 blank texts from her on which she was apparently practicing changing her auto-signature.  It was “Nana” for the first few, then “Linda” on the next several, and then finally, just in case there was any confusion, she decided on “Nana- Linda.” (Yep. That’s a hyphen there.)

I haven’t responded. I don’t know anybody with a hyphen.

Update — 27-Jan-2011:  I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that as of TODAY,  Mom’s auto-signature reads:  “<NANA   LINDA    MOM>”

Lay Off the Xanax, Mom! Another psycho-babble phone call from my pill’d up mom..

My mom just called my cell phone.  Here is our conversation:

Me:  Hello?

Mom: *silence*

Me:  Hello?… Mom?

Mom:  Who IS this?

Me:  Your daughter.  Who did you call?

Mom:  What do you want?

Me:  Nothing, you called me.

Mom:  Well, I called your house phone and couldn’t tell who answered.

Me:  Mom, I don’t HAVE a house phone.

Mom:  Well, that’s the number that showed up.

Me:  On WHAT?!

Mom:  When I called.  Then, when I called your HOUSE, all I heard was a bunch of kids playing around.

Me: I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

Mom:  *pause*… Well, have you talked to Kimmy?

Me:  Mom, this IS Kimmy!

Mom:  I thought this was Michele.

Me:  Nope.  It’s me.

Note:   My sister Michele doesn’t have a “house” phone either.